So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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