I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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