I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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