He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
