Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
