all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
