Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
