Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
