my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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