Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We need a shit load of segways right now
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
