btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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