You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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