you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
