why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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