im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
