I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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