i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Did we literally take a cab across the street
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
