This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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