He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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