This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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