Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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