Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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