I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
