So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
