i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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