Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
