He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
