What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
i think my cat just said my name.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
