I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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