she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize