I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
