I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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