I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
