I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
