When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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