Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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