the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
