I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
