bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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