Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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