My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
as a side note pls kill me
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
