I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
