K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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