my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
