I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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