you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
