alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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