I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
