Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
