I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
