So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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