i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
