Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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