"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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