soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
