Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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