I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize