I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
