Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
